PANIC ATTACK

 WARNING : please do not read if it scares you

Please dont ignore panic attacks. Reach out to friends and family and trust your doctor..but mainly keep in mind panic attack is not life threatening. 

It has been 15 + days that i had a panic attack and i am still reeling under it's affect.  

As usual i was doing my mudra breathing exercises before my Sudarshana kriya yoga. I have been regularly practicing it for 25 + years. I felt breathless as if i am trapped in a box and trying to get out. I immediately opened my eyes came to the balcony and took a few deep breath and felt better. Later that night i had a slight congestion of the nose. But fell asleep. I was awakened by the feeling of breathless ness and woke up with a gasp ,, after which i could not lie down. I just kept walking around. After three days of sleeplessness i got into panic thinking if i lie down i will  not be able to breathe. I just sat down and cried. I have cried copious amount of tears crying alone, or clinging to husband and daughter or hugging the banister in the picture above..i have probably cried 52 years worth of tears

I am by nature quite bold. But panic attack broke my spirit when i was not able to do my daily much loved routines of drinking tea, reading, watching netflix, watching/doing reels..etc. i felt restless, breathless.i would not even pick cell phone calls. I have not played my wordament game on mobile, but kept cleaning the house..arranging cupboard, kitchen cabinets, my balcony garden. Only thought which kept me going was dont sit idle. Which made me overworked and more stressed as to 'what should i do next'..it was doubly scary at night when all else were asleep. I kept looking out to houses in the flat opposite that had lights on in them...probably night shift - work from home - people..thankful to them too. Also super thankful for my balcony. 🙏🙏

I had a thorough medical check up. Physically i was fine. (Doctor thinks it must be post meno pause symptom 🤔🤔)Mentally i was not. I started obsessing about relations staying alone and not being able to get immediate medical help, my daughter who had wheezing , other one with sinutisitis, felt guilty about not feeling empathy towards them, about people who died during corona/covid...all underwater movies. anything that related to breathlessness sent me into panic . Talked to counselor, took sleep medication from psychiatrist. I should have done that first..getting my sleep pattern corrected. I have always been healthy and dont take any medicines. So i thought i would get addicted to it. I began the medicine a week late. Once i began sleeping i felt slightly better. I still cannot settle down properly. I keep walking outside as well as at home till my limbs are tired and i am about to drop...i have walked till kanyakumari and back i suppose. I have my food standing. I am still afraid of being in a prone position. I do loads of auto suggestions . I dont eat many of favorite food especially deep fried one's.

I am slowly on the mend. I am afraid yet to travel long distance. Twice i made plans to travel and was overcome by panic and felt overwhelmed.

I have to do it slowly. Now i watch simple movies like persuasion on netflix, food videos..cannot watch my favorite crime movies nor read books...i have lost my appetite. I eat and drink water to sustain myself

Will share my road to recovery. I am not trying to scare anybody. Just sharing my experience. I am just sad most of the times...

My family members are terribly worried..they keep encouraging ,assuring me saying everything will be okay.

Niha came all the way from MP to be with me for a few days..akka and srikanth are very supportive...he actually took two days off, and had to cancel his ofc tour for my sake, which is a FIRST (and hopefully last) i must say. All our acquaintance are worried. They have never known me to be sick ☹️☹️

i will ever be grateful to them.

I would never wish a panic attack even  on enemies..not that i have any..o

I wrote this entire post standing up...(as in pic) husband is cooking today. Later i am planning to go out..will share how it goes.

Hope what I have written makes sense 

Have been doing reels on instragram attempting a semblance of normalcy...

Do wish me a better health folks. Thank you 🙏🙏

Story of appams

 

These golden appams have a special place in my heart. This is unfermented appam and no rice is used. Only skinless split moth bean dal, moong dal and bit of lentil. Soak overnight and next day, grind to a fine paste along with some green chillies, ginger and salt. Once the batter is ready give it a good beat with a spatula or a beater. Add finely chopped coriander leaves.

Me and my second younger brother had morning school while the other two had afternoon school. Our timing was 7.30 to 1 pm and theirs 1.30 to 5 pm. We would hardly meet. Also me and my bro had to wake up early for the morning school. Because I used to heat water for bath on the stove and once my water was hot I would keep another vessel for him. Later mom needed the stove for preparing breakfast. We lived in bank quarters and we did have a boiler in the bathroom which was always in a state of constant repair. 

We also had a gas stove. Gas cylinders were costly and were used only in times of emergency or sudden visit by guests. Standing in line at the ration shop and fetching sugar and kerosene oil for the stove were my responsibility. Though there were no cell phones or whatsapp in those times we always somehow knew when stocks would be available at the ration shop. 'ration madde raakel (kerosene), saakhar aale' loukar java'..otherwise stock would be over soon, not only that the ration shop owners would sell their wheat, rice, sugar, oil etc to the other grocers at a higher price and we ration card owners would be left in the lurch. 

Let me come back to these appams ..we call them aappo in konkani. Sunday was the only day we could have breakfast together. I would wake early and help Amma in preparing the chutney which was manual, on the grinding stone, which I enjoyed immensely.   Once everybody was up, we would sit around the stove and Amma served us hot appams..two each. It was a heavy cast iron appam griddle which could make 12 appams at a time. Amma is a good cook. Whatever she prepared turned out /turns out really yummy. Sundays were special. Afternoon she made us chicken curry or pulav..evening ended with amma preparing fried snacks, rose milk or ice cream all home made,and then all of us watching a movie on Doordarshan. If it were an art movie..brothers would go play cricket, sister and mom would go to their friends' place. Only me and dad would watch Basu bhattacharya films. We did not have friends...😊👍

Story of appam ends here 😊😊