The Question

Aniketana is a quarterly journal of Kannada Language and Literature- an initiative of Karnataka Sahithya Academy. I had not heard of this journal until Niharika got some work for translation. In the previous issues she has translated stories of Masti Venkatesh Iyengar and M R Srinivasmurthy. In the current issue she has translated 'conversation between Savitha Nagabhushana and Sabitha Bannadi-the topic being- Women Writing in Kannada Literature- trends and Issues.

This issue is dedicated to Akkamahadevi and titled Women's voices in Kannada!!!

I took the chance of translating Aryamba Pattabhi's 'prashne'. i am glad to contribute my bit to the cause of kannada.

This is for my non kannadiga friends and sister from US and also my sis in law in Mumbai

The Question

                                   ----Aryamba Pattabhi

                    (Translated by Malathi Shenoy)

Finishing work in the college for the day and downing horrible tea from the restaurant on the way, I returned to my room where a letter from my mother awaited me.

 “Why have you not come to the village recently? Are you angry with me? My health is not like it was before. Responsibility of Kamli is weighing large on my mind” said the letter.

Kamli is my maternal uncle’s daughter. My uncle had two daughters. One is married. That very year my uncle and aunt died in a road accident. The responsibility of young Kamli fell upon my mother. I was still studying at that time. My mother was waiting for me to complete my studies, land a job and marry Kamli and relieve her of this responsibility. I am working in Bangalore but mother and Kamli stay at the village. Once in a while I visit them in deference to their feelings. After all the mundane small talk, my mother always returns to the topic of me marrying Kamli - like the tongue that reverts to probe the cavity in the teeth in spite of the knowledge of the pain. I turned a deaf ear to her diatribes. Finally I got tired of her talk and stopped visiting them in the village altogether. It has been a year now.

And why should I visit them? To hear her go on and on about marriage? I crumpled her letter and threw it aside. To calm my upset mind I decided to take a walk in the Lalbagh gardens. The walk did not assuage my dissatisfaction and despair,so I returned to my room.

‘ Telegram’

It was from my mother. I opened it.

‘Unwell. Start immediately’, it read.

I was scared. In a great hurry, I gathered a few clothes in a suitcase, got into a bus and reached the village at dusk. It was drizzling and I shivered in the cold. As soon as my feet met the ground the slush clung to me.

Mud….darkness…rain…wind

Oh! What am I doing here? I will meet mother and return to Bangalore tomorrow.

The door was closed. I knocked. Kamli opened the door and scuttled away shyly which irritated me no end.

Why should she feel coy and run away from me without a word? Does she think of me as her future husband that she has to be coy?

I stood on the door step and yelled ‘Mother’.

Mother was sitting on the mat with her back to the wall. Not in the least bit sick. The Pagade board and coins were spread out before her. She and Kamli were having a quiet game of Pagade.

‘Oh you are here. But why so late?”

“You are the one who sent me the telegram saying you were ill. Here I‘ve come in such a hurry and……

“Yes. I am a bit unwell and felt I had to talk to you”

Illness as an excuse to make me come to the village and to get me married to Kamli- Is it a plot hatched by my mother?

After having a wash I sat for my dinner which was served by Kamli. My favorite tomato rasam and ladies finger gojju!

“Kamli has fried some of your favorite balakas. Please have them” said mother.

Oh! Mother has made Kamli prepare all my favorite dishes. My irritation turned to anger. Both of them are using it as a ploy so that I cannot escape…

“No!” I shouted. Kamli who was about to serve my food was taken aback. She had a glass of butter milk in her hands. She was the reason behind all this. I glared at her and she averted her eyes.

My bed was ready in the room. The soft bed beckoned to my travel weary body. Instantly I was aware that the bed was made by Kamli and again anger took hold of me and I felt as if I were sleeping on a bed of thorns. I got up from the bed and stood by the window.

The full moon in the sky reminded me of Kalpana.

Kalpana! Beautiful, educated Kalpana. My colleague at the college where I work. Hails from a rich family. Yet no airs. A good debater. I was impressed by her intellectual prowess. She understands me very well. We have been working at the same college for the past two years. I smoke and have a drink occasionally. Kalpana knows and does not mind. She loves me. If mother gets an inkling about my drinking and smoking she will surely die of heart break. Kamli who has spent most of her life in village will never be able to adjust to the life in a town. If she knows of this she will create a ruckus. Country bumpkin! Will I be happy if I have her hand in marriage?

“Kalpana…Will your parents agree to our match?” I had asked her once.

“I have their complete support in all my decisions. They will never come in the way of my happiness”. Kalpana is a woman. If she can make her own independent decisions, why Can’t I, being a male? Why should I bow down to mother’s wishes and marry Kamli?

Kamli and I grew up together. I cannot think of her as my wife.

I should explain all this to mother. But how? I don’t think she will understand. Both are unaware of the life in town and I am stuck between the two. Will I be happy marrying a person I don’t love? Can I live in peace? Pshaw! I should not have come…………

Last week I had promised Kalpana.

“I cannot marry anybody other than you. This time when I visit my mother, I will let her know about us”

One should never go back on one’s promise. I should not betray Kalpana who is waiting for me.

I tried to sleep but all these thoughts kept me awake. Finally as I was drifting towards sleep…I had a dream……

A vast desert. I am running. Ahead of me are two ladies. They are running faster than me. One of them looks modern, dressed in a blue transparent saree, while the other has donned a plain cotton saree. I could not see their faces. I kept running. I ran faster, hoping to reach at least one of them. I tripped and fell. I woke up. There was darkness all around. I opened my eyes to the darkness around me and realized that it was a dream. I fell asleep again.

I am married to kalpana. Mother died of heart break. Kamli committed suicide. She is now a ghost who haunts me. “No I will never leave you alone” she falls on me. I scream.

 When I woke up it was broad day light. Kamli ran into my room on hearing me scream and asked what the matter was. I replied ‘just a night mare’. Right then a thought occurred to me. Kamli is alone with me in my room. Mother is asleep. There is nobody else in the household. Why should I not tell her about Kalpana? I might get some respite from all this constant worrying.

I raised my head to speak to her but she was already gone.

“You are a coward’ said my mind. Why should I be afraid to speak of my decision to my mother? Isn’t self-deception a great crime?

In the morning, I had a hearty breakfast with my mother keeping me company. Menthya dosa and coconut chutney. It was tasty. Kamli manages the household very well. After food it is my habit to have half a cup of hot coffee. Kamli came to me with the coffee. While handing the coffee to me her hand met mine. Was it deliberate? I wanted to swing the cup to the wall and break it to pieces and run away to a far-off place …..Far from these two, never to return…..

Kamli was standing in a corner, with her eyes to the ground. This filled me with disgust and anger.

Mother wants Kamli to be her daughter-in-law and Kamli sees me as her future husband.

Should I marry Kamli to make my mother happy? Should I live for my mother? Can I not live for myself?

Mother’s stubbornness, Kamli’s desire, helplessness..These thoughts wreak havoc on my mind. I should get away from here tomorrow. Mother will definitely broach the subject of marriage tonight. That is the reason she asked me to be here. I should make a clean breast of everything tonight. It will be Kalpana whom I will be marrying. I know that as soon as I mention Kalpana, my mother will use her sure fire weapon- tears, against me. It is in my mother’s nature. Nothing I say will matter to her. Should I succumb to her wishes and put an end to my love?

“Somebody must have died today. That is why the sky is weeping” murmurs my mother, watching the heavy rains.

I wanted to scream, “It is me who is dying because of you both!” But I kept my peace.

“Kamli, my feet are aching. Could you please massage it with a little oil?” Before the words were out of my mother’s mouth, Kamli set aside the task in hand and hurried away to get the oil. She massaged my mother’s feet with tenderness. I saw tears in my mother’s eyes.

“ Maami, why the tears? Is the massage hurting you?” asked kamli.

“No, Kamli it is very soothing. You look after me so well. I would be long dead without your tender ministrations”

“Kamli will be my daughter-in-law”, was declared by my mother when Kamli was born. I was five years old. If anybody asked me who my wife was, I would reply ‘Kamli’ and would send everybody into peals of laughter. I was at an age when I was not aware of the meaning of wedding, family etc. I thought it was fun and I used to laugh. But now?

What if I marry Kalpana? My mother will not take a liking to her. Educated girl, hailing from a well to do family, she won’t be able to adjust to the traditional outlook of my mother. The result will be discord between the two of them and I will have to bear the brunt. No one will be happy. “You are the cause of all this!” I thought, looking at Kamli. Unaware of my thoughts, Kamli was still massaging my Mother’s foot with the look of a lamb. I felt sorry for her. Why should I be angry with her? She is not at fault. She has been directed to blindly marry someone that her elders have decided. Love, marriage, lust does not occur in her thoughts like it does in city bred girls. I observed Kamli closely.

She is quite good looking. Simple way of dressing and moving about. Long plaited hair, serene countenance. If I marry Kamli I would not have to worry about Mother. She will be well looked after by Kamli. Yet I could not cheat on Kalpana and marry Kamli. Just when I was quietly studying her she suddenly looked up and our eyes met. Her eyes were spitting fire.

‘Will God forgive one who is unfair to me?’ was the question her eyes carried. I felt myself soften. I thought her glance would weaken my resolve to marry Kalpana, so I retreated to my room.

My mind was in turmoil. If I marry Kamli two people will be happy. I will be at peace. If I marry Kalpana it will be the death of two people, a lifelong sadness for me.

Somewhere within me I felt my feelings for Kamli changing. My mother has never felt secure in her life. If I marry Kalpana it will be a death sentence for her. No No No….

Trying to grapple with the reality, swimming against the current, I reached the shores of that turbulent sea and finally came to a decision.

After dinner, mother asked me to come and sit beside her. I was bracing myself for her question- ‘when will you marry kamli?’

I kept my answer ready anticipating the question. But, Mother said, ‘Kamli’s wedding date has been fixed on the sixteenth of next month….”

I felt myself burn with anger. Without consulting me, they have fixed the date for the marriage. She did not think of asking my permission. This is characteristic of My mother. She will do what she thinks is right. No place here for my opinion.

I was silent. My mother continued…

“Girish is an Engineer with a great job in Madras.  He is the only heir to his wealthy father. He is very good looking”

Mother’s words were unexpected. I felt a lump in my throat. Oh! Kamli will be marrying someone else..

“Who is Girish?”

“Kamli was visiting her sister a couple of months ago. She met Girish there. They like each other. Girish visited us here. A Gentleman. Kamli is very lucky to have found him. I don’t think I will live for long now. You are so far away. If something untoward happens to me what will be Kamli’s fate? So I decided not to delay her wedding and hence fixed the date. Please take leave for a week to attend the marriage…

‘Yes’ I replied wearily and returned to my room.

Did Kamli not want to marry me at all? Or did she guess that I did not want to marry her and hence her decision to marry Girish? These questions remained with me.

We have known each other for 20 years, but she goes and gets engaged to Girish after an acquaintance of a few days? Kamli likes Girish over me.This thought gave me great pain.

I bid good bye to mother and left the house with my bag. I heard a laugh behind me. I heard it echoing around me. The laugh accompanied me even as I reached the end of the road. I did not turn back to find out. What if it was Kamli laughing at me?? I quickened my pace.